My story

This is more of a personal post; I like to do these once in while.

MY STORY

As a 14 year old girl, I was content; I mean..I knew I didn't have the best body, I knew that I had to eat less junk and do more exercise to obtain it, but I simply didn't feel the need to change. I ate whatever I liked, and I look back at it now and laugh..I'd go into town with my friends, and our whole day revolved around eating. First we'd buy sandwiches/pastas, with some sort of cake, perhaps a hot chocolate. Then we'd spend the day buying various junk foods like sweets..more cake. Actually, me and a friend had this thing where we'd buy a whole cake and eat it in the park.Sleepovers were the best, it was just literally eating on eating, but not in a binge unhealthy way, just in a eat whatever you want and don't worry about it way. Seems super crazy now, how relaxed I was in terms of food. I mean, I ate healthily most of the time, but when I ate out or I was with my friends I never really cared, it was pretty amazing actually. But inevitably, as time went on, being slimmer became more of an importance. It usually does, it's in fact pretty normal for a girl of around 16 to start wanting to take more care of her appearance.

So around here it began, I joined a gym, went during school sometimes too. I was also very into my sport: judo, netball, athletics, running in general. I ate a lot here too, but I was very active. Eventually, not seeing the results I wanted I started a diet. By diet I mean..a very stupid one. I had no idea what to do in terms of losing fat, I just ate as little as humanely possible, exercised as much as possible and had an obsession with tumblr thinspo. I didn't really look underweight, I actually looked pretty puffy in the cheeks and I had a lot more body fat than I do now. This was because even though I was under- eating, I was eating crap. My metabolism must have come to a complete halt, I was living off diet coke, toast, dip dabs, candy sticks and fruitella. How very very gross. Seeing no change, I decided to sort my diet out, I looked into 'clean eating' followed a few fitness accounts who were into it, and carried on running everyday. It was like a ritual; I'd get up..work out in my room. Eat breakfast (literally 2 rice cakes) then head off to school, eat a salad (no meat, no dressing..literally leaves, a single baby tomato and cucumber) finish school..hungry. Then eat another salad after it, head to the gym and run 10-14km a day. This went on for quite some time, I didn't really see much change in my body straight away, at least not what I wanted. I wanted abs, I wanted skinny legs like the girls in the pictures, and that was literally all I cared about. My life revolved around it, everything I did was governed by this goal. The thought of eating a non clean food began to scare me.

By now I wasn't really going out with my friends, seeing many people. My life was mainly exercise. All because I couldn't see those abs yet, I obsessed over them, monitored them every day and well, they never came. Soon enough my parents started noticing my exercise obsession, waking at 5am before school to workout or go for a run starting to take a toll on my energy. After school, I'd get home and eat my low calorie meal, ensuring everything was correct portions, no carbs, very little protein. After eating my food I'd go to bed, because I was cold, tired. I spent ridiculous amounts of time sat on my bed with two hair dryers on trying to heat myself up. Then, I'd head to the gym, to run, 10k plus..anything under that and I'd feel guilty for it. People began to question it, why I was losing weight, some saying I looked too thin. I didn't see it myself, I thought I looked fine and the concept of me maybe having an eating disorder just seemed ridiculous. I remember on my birthday, I got home after school and my parents said that we were going out for food and that I'd miss the gym. I got really really frustrated, I freaked out, complained the whole way there. When we got to the restaurant I analysed every meal, trying to find which had the lowest calories. Trying to find one, I began to panic; all the salads had dressings on, all the meat was probably cooked in something fattening. I got so stressed out that my family just didn't have a good time, I ate my salad - no dressing or oil, no meat, avoiding the cheese (it was a greek salad) My parents told me they think I have a problem, they printed off a few things from the internet about anorexia and said that they thought I had many of these symptoms. I refused to believe it, and it made me even more determined to carry on. This really upset my parents, looking back I could tell they felt helpless and an overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes me.

The turning point for me was a weird one. I was watching my little brother play rugby, it was a match at the park. Everyone was there, all the teams mums and dads. It was pretty cold that day, I was really feeling it, I was so cold that it was almost unbearable, I wanted to go inside, I complained to my mum and she began desperately trying to warm me up, hugging me and rubbing my legs. I looked into her eyes and all I could see was sadness and distress. She wanted so much to help me but she couldn't, no one could help me really but myself. That's when it hit me, I couldn't stand what this was doing to my family, my friends, myself. After the game I suggested we went out for food as a family. Surprised, my mum and dad were pleased to oblige. I ate and ate and ate, just to prove it to myself that I could. 3 courses consisting of a large starter shared between us, a huge pasta and chicken dish, then a huge ice cream sundae. I felt so much better about myself already. My body wasn't used to it though, I didn't feel good, definitely a case of too much too soon. However, I left feeling somewhat positive in that I knew now something had to change.

From here, I began lowering my exercise levels, eating more and really trying. It wasn't easy, eating more and lowering my running made me feel guilty, in fact I had a more negative body image than ever before. I watched my 'hard earned' work fade as I began to eat like a normal person again. I had my ups and downs with it, I'd see the scale move..eat a little less, see it move down, be happy about it then sad then up my calories again and this continued for a while. Having an insitagram though, really inspired me to become strong and healthy. I saw those girls with muscles and wanted so badly to be strong and confident. I began lifting weights, very light weights, having no knowledge on the subject at all. I still did cardio, but HIIT, which I thought was a lot better than what I doing before, it was..but I still did a tad too much for me to actually gain any muscle mainly out of fear of gaining fat. So lifting was now my new obsession, I loved it, I did so much better. However, at this time it was more of a shift in obsessions, Firsly, I wanted to be skinny..then I wanted to be muscly..and yeah, well that was all I wanted. I was still far too concerned about food and the gym, in an unhealthy way. Don't get me wrong, even now I know I am controlled with my food and exercise but it's more so due to the fact I'd love to compete, and I definitely do not have a negative body image, I take care of myself and that will always come first.

Anyway, from that point it's been an ongoing process. I have learnt so much about the entire thing as well as myself. I'd now consider myself to be a very strong person mentally. I really never thought that one day I'd be comfortable with my body. Of course, I am ALWAYS wanting to improve. But that is a case of who I am; its my personality and it applies to everything I do. I don't see it as unhealthy thing wanting to better yourself. When it becomes your main priority so much so that you dislike yourself for stepping off track once in a while is when it becomes unhealthy. There are many things I have felt guilty for in the past; eating too much, getting cocktails with my friends, skipping the gym. But now, I feel as though..these are the things that ultimately keep me on track in the long run. The things that keep me sane, going for drinks with my friends and dancing the night away is not good for muscle growth, but it is important in that it keeps happy and if I wasn't happy I wouldn't be living this lifestyle. If this lifestyle was all I loved (if I didn't love bad foods,cocktails and being lazy sometimes) then the gym eat sleep lifestyle would be the only thing I'd do. But, it just so happens that the gym is not ALL I love. I also found that looking on other peoples lifestyle made me feel more guilty, I'd see them not drinking or eating anything bad really ever and feel bad about it. Although, what's important to remember here is that they may not enjoy doing those things and that's fine, but  I do.

My advice to anyone who's struggling would be to not let something like this stop you from achieving what you want to achieve. You have a whole life to live; so many goals and aspirations. Stop letting a negative body image govern your life as you are so much more than your insecurities. Don't look back in years to come and regret not living the life you wanted, don't look back and think 'I was beautiful but I just didn't see it' because you most definitely are beautiful and  I'll tell you another thing that's beautiful, health..glowing skin, happiness, self acceptance and strength.
Prioritize your health over anything, all that other stuff? It doesn't matter and the sooner you realize this the better. I would literally carry you on my back outta this if  I could, but it's something you must do for yourself.